Bring on 2019!

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Christmas has become overwhelming once again for me.  Not because I do my daily gold envelopes revealing Christmas activities for the kids, and not because I’ve stupidly succumbed to the Elf on the Shelf craze, but because of outside influences!  Christmas for me is about me and my family creating memories, so I don’t want the extra pressure from school in particular with their daily requests of donations and different activities that I need to prepare for or at least remember, work with its crazy hours so we can finish in time and all have Christmas off, except for the likes of me that have volunteered to still work over Christmas to keep the place ticking over, and the endless, “We must meet up before Christmas,” invites I’ve allowed myself to commit to.  All of these things I could have said no to, or slipped past a teacher pleading I’d not received the text, e-mail AND letter they’d sent.  But eager to please, as I always am, I’ve pushed myself too far once again! 

 

But next year is going to be different, because I’m going to get into healthier habits and reduce my stress.  I’m adamant it’s going to happen because I have a plan, as laid out to me in my new read ‘The Happiness Project’ by Gretchen Rubin.

 

I first heard about this book from listening to the podcast ‘Happier with Gretchen Rubin’, a podcast that I’m sure was recommended in a book on happiness.  This is why I am such a strong believer in reading for personal development.  Every book I read leads me on a new path of discovery, and after listening to references to this book for months on the podcast I in turn went out and bought the book.

 

I am only a couple of chapters in, but already I understand the plan and have constructed my own version for me.  Gretchen’s own happiness project consisted of her splitting her year into twelve subjects to develop healthier habits in to promote happiness, and each subject to be split further into sub-projects.  So I have planned my 12 subjects for improved happiness as follows, and will update throughout next year:-

 

  • Thoughts
  • Eating and Exercise
  • Friendships
  • Marriage
  • Family Sleep and Routine
  • Life Purpose
  • Community
  • Creativity
  • Organisation
  • Adventure
  • Home
  • Meditation and Spirituality.

I don’t know what order I am going to put each subject in as yet.  I’m not ready to stop letting my adorable 4 year old climb into my bed in the middle of the night.  I do not have the energy to do the return to bed method at this stage of my life.  But I know realistically I can’t have her still doing it when she’s 18, and she shows no signs of sleeping through the night of her own accord!  I want to work on my home later in the year after some extensive work planned which will involve moving a boiler out of the playroom to become a second bedroom for my youngest so the girls no longer have to share a room.  They’ll lose their playroom in the process, but they’re desperate for their own space.  So until that work is done I don’t feel I can plan too much in my home.  But after the work I will have a lot of fun re-designing that space and planning the next stages of renovating our home.  I think community will come towards the end of the year as I am aware being part of a community is very important to mental well-being, but with the constant dramas at school between mums, and a close-knit village community that don’t always look after their own, I need to be in a different place mentally to tackle that one.  At the moment I feel the need to keep my head down and keep myself to myself, but as I build on my happiness throughout the year I hope I’ll feel ready to get back out into the community and find some projects to be involved in. 

 

But I’m going to start January with focusing on friendship, and I’ve split the subject into the following sub-projects to work on:-

 

  • EXPECTATIONS.  I know I fail massively with the expectations I put on my friends.  I think because I would do anything for them that they would do the same for me, and when they don’t it knocks my self-esteem and I question what I’m doing with these people.  As I quoted in a post recently on my Instagram ‘We all need a variety of friends with different qualities:- the friend we can ring at 2am with the drama keeping us awake, the friend that has our back no matter what, the friend that tells us the truth, the friend that makes us laugh.  No one person holds every quality, so know your tribe and value their individual qualities rather than pondering their flaws’.  So I want to start the New Year not putting those expectations on people and just taking them for who they are, and accepting whatever they want to contribute to the relationship.
  • CONTACT/ARRANGEMENTS.  I have lots of friends that I never get to see because we live far apart or we have different interests such as my football pass-holder friends that have commitments every weekend throughout the season.  And those are the people that I always intend to meet up with and then before you know it a year has gone by.  I want to really focus on having something in the diary with these friends, and if that’s not possible, to at least have regular contact.  Sometimes I avoid contact because I know I can’t see them for a good few months and I don’t want to get into that conversation of saying we can’t find a mutually convenient date.  But that shouldn’t stop me dropping them a text just to check how they are and keeping the lines of communication open.
  • PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.  I’ve been hurt, let down and screwed over badly by friends, and I know I’ve changed as a person and stopped being the organiser, or answering invites straight away, or just generally being the person that everyone knew of as being the one that would be up for an adventure.  It turned out that was the thing that annoyed a couple of people.  And while I know in my own mind that was down to their own jealousy and need to compare and feel inadequate because they didn’t have the time and/or money to keep up with me, I know I was doing nothing malicious, and there were people ten-fold that loved that part of me.  We all love the friend that’s not going to say no to a night out!  They build our self-esteem for a start!  So I need to go back to being that person and not questioning if someone is genuine or not, but if I like them invite them round for a coffee or a drink after the kids are in bed and build on relationships from there. 
  • SEEING THE GOOD IN PEOPLE.  This goes back to the point before.  I need to not tarnish everyone with my previous experience of one or two people.  I need to realise that not everyone has an agenda, an ulterior motive, or issues they’re going to push onto me, and just put myself back out there believing that everyone is a good, fun-loving, kind human-being until they prove me otherwise.
  • NOT BEING RELIANT ON PEOPLE.  When I had my children I fell into a very intense friendship group because we were going through the same thing at the same time, and I think we all felt our previous friends were at different stages of their lives and perhaps would be bored by our new priorities.  It was the worst thing I could have done.  I should have kept a variety of different people in my life.  Instead I was so involved with these 8 or so girls that we did everything together from daily activities with our kids, to even going on holiday.  And the conversation on our WhatsApp group was constant, to the point that everything in our lives went through that group.  The conversation did not stop all day and all night!  And when it all fell apart I was lost and realised I was now too scared to do anything on my own again.  I recently went into a bar and had a drink on my own just because I challenged myself to do it.  I was terrified, but I missed going for a quick drink while my daughter was in cheerleading class because I didn’t have those people to go with anymore.  I felt so self-conscious doing it, right up to the minute I left the bar, but I felt that once I’d done it I could do anything on my own.  And I think once I take the focus off people having to be with me to enable me to do an activity it will be a game-changer.

 

So they’re my challenges for January, the idea being that once I get used to these as the norm I start new challenges on new subjects each month.

 

So wish me luck because

hopefully 2019 is going to be the positive change I’ve been building up to all my life!

 

 

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Give me a Break From my Thoughts!

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Have you ever felt like everywhere you turned you were being given a message?  And that message was so relevant to your life right now that it couldn’t possibly be a coincidence?

 

Many years ago I read a book called ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.  At the time I wasn’t in any way open to the type of wisdom and understanding of the universe that I am now.  It was just recommended to me by someone that knew I was feeling a bit down and said it had changed her life.  I remember starting to read it, climbing into bed straight from work, and reading for about 3 hours straight.  I was totally absorbed in it and really understood the concept.  I thought it was going to change my life.  But I soon forgot all about living that way.  And many years later when I tried to read it again in an attempt to feel the same way, that this was the answer to all my problems, I just couldn’t get into it.  Yet it’s an international bestseller, often on people’s ‘must read’ lists.  I think at that point I was just at a place in my life where I needed minimum effort to feel better; not too much thinking!

 

But since my second try with this book I’ve spent literally the last 2 years all consumed in my thoughts.  They drive me absolutely crazy.  I explained to someone I trusted only 2 weeks ago that 98 per cent of my waking day is spent thinking about a string of incidents that just felt like it had destroyed me.  They call it ruminating: going over and over AND OVER something in your mind.  And it’s totally overwhelming to live like that.  I spoke to another friend who has had an awful life in comparison to mine about it a while ago, and she admitted she barely thought about the events of her life.  She just switches her TV on at night and basically forgets all about what has happened to her.  She admits she is depressed, but she just wasn’t constantly thinking about the reasons why like I was.  She told me my biggest problem was that I think too much.  And as true as that was it made me feel like I was the only person feeling absolutely tormented by my thoughts.  Yes, her way of living wasn’t alleviating her depression, but at least she wasn’t re-living events over and over again, years after they had happened.  And I fell into more feelings of despair as I felt my ruminating was absolutely incurable and that nobody else was dealing with it like I was.  I tried meditating, but I just couldn’t concentrate.  I tried keeping busy, but I just ended up busy whilst in a daze, distracted by my thoughts.  I just wanted a break from it all.  To sum up the extent of what I was living with, I would drive to work and not even remember how I got there, totally lost in my thoughts.  I do a mundane job, and I found my day consumed with re-living events.  And worse still I’d be so lost in my thoughts that some time later I’d realise I had taken those thoughts, imagined future scenarios, and I was now having imaginary arguments in my head with these people over things that had never even happened.  And I would only stop myself when I got so angry and thought, “Hang on a second, this hasn’t even happened and may never happen.  So why am I preparing for it, and in doing so feeling all the emotions that go with that?”  Can anybody else relate to this? 

 

It’s like my narcissistic friend that spread false rumours about me.  I started ruminating on what I knew as a fact that she’d said; the text messages mutual friends showed me.  That did in fact happen; there was no denying the evidence.  But then I took my anger from that and fell into daydreams day in, day out, where I would start to imagine how those mutual friend may have responded; “Oh, I know what you mean about Dawn!”  “Has she really done that?  Just goes to show you never know a person!”  “That’s awful!  I can’t believe we’ve been friends with Dawn all these years and not seen it in her!”  Conversations that may never ever have happened!  I imagined what they did after they showed me those messages, “Of course I’ll never show Dawn what you text me!”  The anger would build in me!  I imagined the thoughts going on in their head, “If I side with Dawn that’s only one friend I save.  If I pretend I agree with these things about Dawn I won’t lose a whole bunch of friends!”  I painted a picture in my own mind that may never ever have been true.  Yes, nobody was showing me anything to the contrary.  But my imagination made me re-live that situation ten times worse.  I guess my brain felt it was protecting me, imagining all the worst case scenarios that hadn’t happened yet and what I could do when they did inevitably happen!

 

And then in our women’s networking group 2 weeks ago it was discussed about our thoughts and not just letting them dictate our emotions to us.  We were told about being the observer of them and realising that they are in actual fact just thoughts.  They talked about how we can just watch our thoughts roll on by, like they were flowing past in a river, and not to get attached to them.  This prompted me to think again about ‘The Power of Now’ and I knew that the message in that book was very similar to what I was being told and that I needed to investigate this way of thinking again.  Then almost by chance I ordered some books and chose ‘The Untethered Soul’ by Michael A Singer, which is a book I’ve seen people talk about before but never rushed out to buy.  It’s always been on my wish list, but in all honesty if I’d have picked it up in the shop I would have been put off by the small writing.  I needed it simple!  I ironically didn’t want to have to think too much about my thoughts!  But once I bought this book I started reading a sample on the kindle and I was hooked.  I’m only a few chapters in and the parts I’ve read are, to me, all about watching your thoughts and being the consciousness behind those thoughts; the observer of those thoughts.

 

I’ve in no way grasped it yet, nor am I any sort of expert.  But I do know that this is the next stage in my journey.  I’ve spent many years trying to distract myself from these thoughts, thinking that other people don’t have them, that I need to master ignoring them, that I need to think of other things.   But it’s like pushing a balloon under water.  They just spring back up with a vengeance.  And I know now that I need to accept I am always going to have these thoughts.  I will always catastrophise a situation.  That’s just me!  I am always going to question every conversation I have with people and think, “What were they really thinking?  Were they just agreeing with me to my face?  What if they go and do this, this and this now?  Oh my goodness, what if this happens now?  How am I going to deal with that?”  But if I can recognise these thoughts and let them pass without attaching myself to them and forming an emotion from them, I will be so much closer to happiness than I ever have been. 

 

Please let me know if anyone else out there feels this way.   Have you mastered your thoughts or found a way to do so?  Or can anyone recommend any further books to read on the subject?  I’m finding ‘The Untethered Soul’ so easy to read and relate to, but I don’t want to go back to it in the future and find it doesn’t have the same effect like I have with ‘The Power of Now’.  I love learning, and especially all about life, so I’d love to hear any recommendations you all have.

 

 

 

Ever had a problem you were too ashamed to share?

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I keep trying to write this post, but every time I do it just doesn’t feel right to put out there.  It feels petty to talk about.  I can’t condense the story enough to explain it properly, or express how deeply the events actually impacted me.  And I keep questioning why this is such an important part of my life, yet I cannot write on it.  So today I’m biting the bullet and just putting out whatever comes.  And maybe I’ll expand on the whole story in the future if it’s relevant to do so.  In fact it’s too big a subject in my life for me not expand at some point, as it’s impacted me in so many ways.  And that subject is friendships; or rather, broken friendships.

 

And the reason why I’m ashamed to share how this has affected me so much, is because I’m nearly 40 and this shouldn’t happen at my age, surely?  I’ve googled it many a lonely night for advice, and all I seem to find is websites telling me to talk to a teacher or adult.  And that just reconfirms it to me, that this is something a child would get upset about, not a grown adult; a Mum with far bigger responsibilities to be thinking about!  But it did happen to me, and I’m just going to put it out there; it’s one of the most difficult experiences I have ever gone through in my life.  And I feel ashamed even saying those words when there’s people out there that have gone through really awful events in their life.  So maybe I have led a blessed existence for this to be the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Except I haven’t had a perfect life.  I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety all my adult life; probably even before; I just didn’t know how to label it as a child.  And maybe that’s the reason why it has affected me so traumatically, because I do feel deeply and I do analyse everything and think the worst as I catastrophise and get overwhelmed by my thoughts.  But on talking to another friend last week whose best friend of nearly 40 years has just completely changed, disowned her, and is actually quite nasty to her now, I realised we do grieve when friendships break down and it’s not been our choice for them to end or for things to change.  We do take it to heart and ask ourselves where we went wrong.  And it does affect our self-esteem as we fear it will happen again and put our guard up.  As my friend quoted to me, “One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive,” a quote she’d actually just re-posted to facebook that day in an attempt to grab her ex-best friend’s attention!

 

I’ve recently joined a women’s networking group, which on paper should have filled me with fear, but something guided me to go.  And in the first week we were asked what our experience of other women was.  I started the discussion, which is very unlike me, and shared my hurt over a group of friends that had believed one narcissistical friend’s lies about me.  Or rather I should be more accurate in saying they didn’t believe her at all, but they told me they knew what she was doing and didn’t want her to do it to them, so all but said they were abandoning me to save themselves.  I told this group of strangers how it had led to my children having their own friends distance themselves as guided by their mothers, and as 4 and 6 year olds they had no comprehension as to why everyone they’d known their whole lives had just gone all of a sudden.  And I couldn’t explain it to them either, because I couldn’t explain it to myself!  I told of my anxiety of doing anything within our close knit village in case I bumped into any of them, or even worse the whole gang of them out together, carrying on like I’d never existed.  And I told of how it had put this fear in me of women and how I must in future tone down my personality so as not to rub someone up the wrong way and inflict all this hurt on myself again.  It had fundamentally changed me to the core.  And what followed was other women in this networking group sharing their own fears of women, and similar experiences of maybe being too happy or being too friendly or kind, and just triggering someone to feel threatened by that, and the dramas that followed.  And I felt immense relief at not feeling alone, and yet fascinated that we’d all still felt drawn to come to a group that was essentially about meeting other women and opening ourselves up and feeling vulnerable in front of each other.

 

This week I shared a new story with the group on how someone I thought was a friend had let me down badly.  I said that I couldn’t carry on feeling like this with people, not knowing how to stop it happening to me.  And the girl who ran the group, who is some kind of spiritual energy guru, just stared at me intently and told me I’d done absolutely nothing wrong to invite the kind of hurt I was feeling.  Then she said that I was unbelievably strong.  And I realised in that moment that yes, I am bloody strong.  I’ve felt the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life these last 2 years.  And yet here I was, sat with a bunch of strangers, crying and telling them all my innermost fears.  And this woman was looking at me and literally reading me as unbelievably strong.  And she really meant it.  She wasn’t saying it just to make me feel better and be supportive.  She could see it in my aura.  She told me I was such a big energy that I will always attract this sort of thing because some people just can’t handle that type of energy and feel threatened by it, and that made sense to me and resonated with what I’d felt myself.  I felt immense relief that someone understood me finally, and someone that barely knew me at all.  And that’s when I realised we can have day to day people, and people we’ve known all our lives that just fill a space and do nothing more, and maybe eventually let us down and abandon us when we need them.  Then you can meet your true tribe in the most unexpected of places.  And you know, even if they’re not the sort of friends you’ll go on holiday with, you’ll grab a coffee with, that you’ll exchange Christmas presents with or ask to babysit your kids; you know that they get you more than anyone you’ve ever met.  And they’re the people you need to meet to know there are good people in this world.  They may only be in your life for a few weeks, months, or even years.  But the impact they make, and the memories they leave your life with makes you realise it’s not women that are your problem at all, it’s just you haven’t found your true tribe yet.  And I can guarantee that it’s totally worth continuing your search.

How To ‘Up-Level’ Your Life

 

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There’s a phrase I keep hearing, a new buzz word – at least it is to me; ‘up-levelling’.  I hear people that have made it saying they’ve ‘up-levelled’ their life; they only travel first class, they only drink champagne, they’ve finally got the Chanel bag that they’ve always wanted.  These things or situations make them ‘feel’ that they’ve made it.  And it got me to thinking how I could ‘up-level’ my own life.  What could I do that would make me happier, that would make me feel like I’d made it in life, that I would do or buy if I had the money to?  And what was realistically achievable from that list?  So gradually I set about re-prioritising my money to invest in ‘up-levelling’.  And it really didn’t put me any more out of pocket.  So here is my list of how I ‘up-levelled’ my life:-

 

  • I started buying fresh flowers for my house. This was something I always felt was only realistically going to appear in my house if it was my birthday or maybe from the odd generous visitor.  And in fact it did start from that.  A friend popped round with a bouquet of flowers and they lasted 3 weeks.  It made me so happy, this little thing of having fresh flowers all the time, that as some started to wilt I bought a small bouquet for about £2 and just replaced them as and when.  I continued to do this every week when I went shopping.  Such a ridiculously cheap thing to do.  For less than the price of a coffee (the currency I rank everything against) I could have fresh flowers in my house constantly!

 

  • I started having my nails done. I went on holiday, the only occasion I would have my nails done, and booked a friend of a friend to come and do my nails.  And when I met the girl who had been recommended to me I realised she was so cheap yet so accurate, that for £15 I could probably afford to keep this little treat up.  But I got so much more from it than that.  I made a friend.  I thoroughly enjoy going to her house every 3 weeks and having a real good natter.  We have a good laugh, we have a lot of mutual interests, and it turns out even our kids know each other.  So it’s become more of a social event.  And what I’ve come to find is these people that are just desperately working hard to start a little business are so eager to impress and do a fantastic job.  They’re not some number in a big corporation; their business depends on their effort.  So you often get a really good value and quality service.  I also heard on a You Tube video on law of attraction, and I wish I could remember who it was to credit it to them, that rather than saying she ‘spends’ money she is actually ‘circulating’ it; she is ‘giving it to someone to feed their family in exchange for a service or goods’.  And when you think about it like this you could almost argue that you’re supporting someone’s dreams and goals by having your nails done!

 

  • In the same way I’ve come to have a massage every 2 months. I have always kept this up and genuinely believe it to be beneficial for my relaxation and therefore my migraines and general health, so it’s another investment in me!  Again, the lady is working from her home to support her family and the value I get from her far exceeds the service I’ve had in bigger businesses.  We’ve come to know each other well and I really look forward to catching up with her and having a little treat while I’m there.

 

 

  • I got myself an ironing lady! Now in reality I’ve only used her once, but I know I can ring her again any time I get overwhelmed.  And the £12 for a massive bag of clothes was so worth it.  When I thought what £12 meant to me as opposed to losing 2 hours of my life to stand and iron, it was a no-brainer.  And she too was just a mum trying to start a little venture to earn some extra cash for the family.  I knew she’d do a better job than I would, and she far exceeded my expectations.  In fact she was so good I had to confess to my husband that I’d had some help as they were too perfectly ironed to be down to my handy work!

 

  • I signed up to a food delivery service. Wow, this has been a life-changer!  My whole family will eat nothing other than some form of frozen breaded meat and some form of frozen breaded potato to go with it.  Not the diet for me.  I love my food.  I’m a real foody.  I’m not ashamed to say that food makes me happy!  I was getting totally overwhelmed trying to cook myself a different meal every night.  So I signed up for this deal where I get the recipe card and the sauces and I buy a few fresh ingredients myself; a much cheaper option for me than having the whole lot delivered.  And the food I’ve been making is nothing short of restaurant quality!  In fact I’m almost gutted to say it attracts the rest of them to just try a bit, and I’m soon sharing my amazing food with the whole family that had no interest in different tastes prior to this!  And the best thing is that I’m eating fresh food that’s cooked from scratch, so I feel like I’m eating less processed food, which again is something I’m really trying to do to alleviate my migraines. 

 

So they’re my little perks and treats that make me feel like I’ve up-levelled in life.  And because they all haven’t really cost me any more money because they’ve just become the priority to pay for over things I used to buy, I hope I can keep adding to that list as and when I think of things that I’ve always thought were just for the privileged, but in reality I can attain myself!

 

So what could you do to up-level your life?  It could be the simplest of things, like adding fresh flowers to your home, or maybe you’re going to go straight for the ‘only travelling first class’!  Whatever it is, start a small change today and build on it.  Integrate things slowly if needs be, but don’t spend your life thinking a better life or help with the jobs that overwhelm you are unobtainable and only for people better off than you.  Do a good deed and ‘circulate’ your money to help someone else, and in the process build yourself a better, easier and more enjoyable life!

A Star is Born

So this wasn’t the post I was going to put out today, but I have to write about this because if I don’t I have nowhere else to put these thoughts out there, and I just feel I need to speak them out loud to somebody.  And whether 99.9% of people reading this don’t get it, it’s about the 0.01% that will understand. 

 

Today I watched the film ‘A Star is Born’.  I admittedly watched it not expecting a lot, other than a bit of eye candy in Bradley Cooper and what I thought was going to be a predictable easy watching story.  Just the kind of films I love; not too much thinking!  If you haven’t watched the film I won’t ruin the storyline.  And if you have, you may even read what I’ve got to say and wonder which bit of the film I’m even talking about.  But I just have to put out there that I don’t think I’ve ever watched a film that has impacted me so deeply.  And the reason it’s affected me is very personal to something I thought I was dealing with well and was more or less over.  But seeing it played out in front of me just made me cry; and cry uncontrollably at that!  I felt I had my tears under control in the cinema and I’d hidden them well in the darkness.  But I’ve just walked around a shopping centre afterwards and gone for a meal and repeatedly just welled up. 

 

And the message that hit me like a tonne of bricks was that we never know what someone is going through fully.  That the words that we say to someone can impact them beyond anything we could possibly comprehend.  That when somebody is trying their best just to make it through each day we can have our own agenda and totally kick that person for our own gains, with no regard for the outcome.  And some scenes in this film just really highlighted that to me.  I resonated completely with them, knowing that I too have battled and battled with depression and then someone has just done or said something from a completely narcissistic point of view and set me back years, not knowing or even caring for the impact they have had on me or my ability to then care for my little family.  I was reminded of myself and knowing my intentions to just be happy and make other people happy, and how someone can completely knock that out of a person.  And what an absolutely disgusting act that is, to purposely intend to kill someone’s spirit.  And perhaps the scenes that upset me in this film allowed me to release something I’ve needed to cry out for so long.  My husband certainly thinks I’ve lost the plot right now as he left the film saying, “Let’s watch something with a bit more action next time!” unaware of me making my excuses to go to the toilet where I could sob in peace. 

 

So for all those out there that would also watch this film and cry for the people in this world being knocked day in day out, that are bullied and tormented but keep fighting and fighting to keep going; maybe you’ll get it.  Maybe you’ll get it a little bit, or maybe you’ll get it a whole lot!  Maybe some will watch this film and get to the end without even knowing which scenes affected me so deeply.  I think a lot of people will resonate with this film for a whole host of different reasons though.  But although this post is far from an advertisement in happiness, it is meant as a reminder that there is hope.  There are people out there, myself included, praying for all those people fighting demons.  And from a purely grateful angle I thank God to be on the right side of wanting to help and uplift people fighting with everything in their body just to get through each day.  If you’re one of those people please keep fighting, because you are loved.  And if you don’t feel very loved right now then there will come a day when you will feel it again!  We haven’t met everybody we’re going to meet in our lives, and we haven’t experienced everything we’re going to experience, and tomorrow could be the meeting or start of something completely life changing.  So please, PLEASE keep fighting for your happiness.